I AM an artist, a mother, a lightworker, a free spirit, a feminist, a follower of Christ, spiritual, a healer, a contradiction, comfortable, a hippie, a dancer, a daughter, a sister, an active participant in God’s plan, strong, brave, independent, a creator, a nurturer, a wife and lover, a saint, a phoenix, a child of God, a tree-hugger, faithful and full of faith, a hat person, a yogi, a gardener, a respecter of life, a wise woman, a free thinker, awakened, a natural mover, a vegetarian, light, peaceful, a tree climber, aligned, happy, joyful, a goddess, a seeker, a reader, a maker, a writer, a dreamer, curious, compassionate, a doer, a bather in the Word, sensitive, beautiful…

I am all of these things, but I am human, so also sometimes I am not. I am becoming more each day.

We are each put into a box. It’s a box of expectations. It tells us who we “should” be, what we “should” do or “should” say or “should” wear. These expectations have been put into place by society, by our family, and even by ourselves. “Good girls don’t wear that.” “Men can’t enjoy that activity.” “My profession is ___ because that’s what was expected of me.” “I do this because I expect it of myself.” The expectations of the box are base on fears and ignorance. We’re afraid of the road less travelled. We do things we don’t want to do because:  “What could happen to me?” “What will people think?” “I don’t know how to change.” For a long time I didn’t even notice that there was a box, let alone that I was trapped inside it. What happens when you find the box and realize that you simply don’t fit inside of it? What if you want to do that? To be this? To wear that? What if your joy is found OUTSIDE of your box? Right now, I’m looking at my box. I’m studying it. I’m trying to figure it out. I’m noticing where it is holding me back, and I am beginning to push. I am strong, and I’ll keep pushing. Even when it seems the box is too hard to move. Even when I think the whole world is working to keep me inside. I am finding my joy. I am discovering my truth. I am pushing back and breaking out of my box. I’m going to walk away… possibly trampling that damn box a bit first. What’s going to happen then? What happens when you leave behind the broken, useless box, the expectations, and the limits? I’m pretty sure that once you are out of the box, you are free.

I just discovered the secret to life. Our ultimate purpose. Why we are on this planet. Why we are where we are at any given moment. Why we’ve done what we’ve done. Every single moment is a lesson, but it is up to us to observe, learn, act and grow.

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{The secret of life is is to put down the iPad when you hear your dog at the back door, ready to come in, even in the midst of this brilliant, enlightening thought. Even when you want to say, “Just a minute! I’m busy!” And you accept the present moment as it is, and you go to the back door to let your dog in. And when you do, you might see his little tail wagging back and forth, his tongue hanging out of his mouth so happy to see you. And you notice the happiness and joy of that moment, and you feel, you KNOW, that it is a miracle to you!}

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The secret to life is to figure out who we are, to discover ourselves, our truth, and just BE who we are. It is letting go of things that do not matter, and accepting each moment as it is, without judgment, without regret or worry. It is forgiving ourselves and moving on from our mistakes with a fresh start, armed with brand new knowledge to help us succeed! It is dropping the negativity. All of it. RIGHT NOW. And dropping it again and again whenever it creeps back in. It is praying, because PRAYER WORKS. We just have to let go, let our intuition guide us, follow our hearts. That’s the Holy Spirit, you know?! And how can you go wrong with God on your side? And he IS on your side! Always! You just have to REALIZE it. And then, when we’ve figured this out, we start to see the small moments of happiness wrapped into our day. And eventually we realize that they are miracles. Little tiny miracles. And every time we witness a miracle, it is confirmation that we are doing right, and affirmation that everything is going to be okay… no matter what. When we realize this, and we become our full potential, we can CHANGE THE WORLD! So, find your truth, and live it!

This morning, I filled the log rack on our deck. I was in my flannel pjs and winter boots, a down jacket, and a scarf. I couldn’t find my leather work gloves, so I wore knit gloves. It was one of the coldest mornings of the year, but I was cozy and comfortable. The icy chill on my cheeks and nose felt almost nice! At one point, I picked up a log and a splinter poked through my glove, into my skin. “Ouch,” I thought, as I pulled off the glove and removed the splinter. I put the glove back on and threw another log into the wheelbarrow. I finished loading it and pushed it toward the house. The wheel got stuck in a bump in the yard, so I backed up and gave a bigger push to get over. When I was moving the logs onto the small rack, I realized something. I chuckled. “This isn’t too bad! I mean, I’m actually enjoying myself, aren’t I?! Wow!” On the second trip from the big woodpile, one log rolled off the wheelbarrow. As I turned around and picked it up, I was just… awestruck. The sky was BEAUTIFUL! The sun was rising, and the sky was streaked with orange, red, gold and blue. I stared at it, with the log in my hand. It was like I had never seen the sky before. I was smiling, happy, at peace. For a moment. Then I turned and finished the second and third loads of firewood and went back inside. But I still felt happy, at peace, and even cheerful!

It seems to me that so many people around me who are talking about Ferguson are focusing so much on the specifics of the situation. We are screaming hateful things, judging Michael Brown, judging an entire population of people based on the actions of a few. My opinion? Why don’t we stop focusing on the specific event that ignited the unrest, and why don’t we instead focus on the fact that there is a problem, underlying the unrest? It is not my place to judge Michael Brown, Darren Wilson, any of the witnesses or police officers. I can only pray for them. And I have to see that this situation is only one small incident in the huge problem of systemic racism. Instead of screaming hate and judgment and fear, I choose to ask, “What can I do?”

It’s not okay to assume that it is “black” or “white” or right or wrong. In life, there is no absolute truth. There is only gray area. We have to realize that the gray area is where we all need to be. If you can’t understand WHY people are angry and protesting (because after all, it’s just “one bad kid”) then you aren’t in the gray area. If you are lumping the peaceful protesters into the same category as the looters/rioters, you are not in the gray area. If you don’t understand why “’they’ always make it a race thing”, you are not in the gray area.

We have to realize that there is a problem in our society, and it’s not going away unless we change it! We have to stop being willfully ignorant! We have to educate ourselves. We have to learn about the issues with an open mind and open heart. We need to “check our privilege“. We need to acknowledge that the color of a person’s skin truly does determine the shape of a person’s life. We need to stop pretending that racism is not here or that it isn’t “my problem”.

Mostly, we have to simply stop judging… and we have to start loving.

“Writing is the friend I never knew I needed.”

It feels strange to say that. In the past, I have never been a writer. Of course, I had to write in school. But that was mostly essays, with regurgitated facts or others’ re-worded opinions. I had a couple of diaries growing up. I always wanted so badly to keep a diary, but perfection stopped me. “The diary begins January 1. There is to be an entry every single day. Each entry must be dated and signed off in the same way.” I have no idea why I felt the need to give myself so many rules, but I could never keep up with them all! I would miss a few days worth of entries, and then give up, believing I had failed. Also, because I was so structured about it, I never knew what to write. It was mostly things like, “Today I went to school. Math is boring.” It wasn’t exactly insightful.

But within the past several months, I’ve started writing. I forced myself to accept no rules and to have no structure. At first, it was simply a way for me to blow off steam. Then it evolved. Writing became the place I can share myself, where I can air out and organize my thoughts and opinions. It’s a rare place that I can completely be myself, free of judgment. I can think and feel how I want, without worrying that I’m different or “too much.” Writing is the place where my “too much” becomes my “just enough.” Writing calms the ever-present chaos in my head, helps to center me, and helps me to see things more clearly. It opens my mind and allows me to THINK. Writing has brought more focus to my goals and how to achieve them. I believe that writing is one of my keys to a positive outlook on life.

As I was looking through one of my little notebooks this morning, I remembered writing this a while back:

So, if writing is my new friend, I am really glad to have met her.

“Linds, come here,” he whisper-shouted, late one afternoon. I came running, sensing his urgency. “You’re not going to believe this,” M said, pointing out the back door. I looked and saw it. A huge hawk was sitting on our fence, staring at us through the glass door. At first, I was nervous. “He’s so close. Are the kids and the dog safe?” Soon, though, after we had gone out to photograph the bird, I lost a bit of the nervousness. Even later, when M took the kids to the park, I sat alone out on the deck, watching him survey the yards. I watched him as he spied his dinner, and as he swooped into the neighbors’ yard, where he caught and politely ate his meal behind the fence. When he was finished, he hopped back onto the fence, collected himself and flew away.

That night, when we were almost ready for bed, M was trying out all the features on his new phone. Only half joking, I suggested, “Ask your phone what type of hawk was outside earlier.” It had been on my mind all evening. I had been hearing the cries of a few hawks for several weeks, and had had even seen one flying past our house a time or two. But for him to be sitting so close was unusual and interesting . M asked the question, and his fancy new phone started reading to us this blog post.

I learned that in many Native American traditions, when a hawk visits a person, it is bringing her some kind of message. She should take the hawk’s visit as a sign to be more observant and to look at the big picture in her life right now.

I felt it so timely. I have lately been doing some soul-searching, and have been making positive changes in my life. I’ve lost weight, begun to exercise, and eat more healthfully. I’ve been spending more time outdoors, connecting with nature. I’ve been trying to be more aware of my faults and triggers, as well as my strengths. I’ve been trying to let go of the ridiculous, but controlling, idea of perfection. I’ve been working on conquering fears and anxieties. I have been trying to be more in touch with my inner Self, my soul, and I hope to share parts of it somehow. I’ve discovered a kind of therapy in writing. I am trying to be more positive. I’ve been more spiritual. I’ve begun to feel more and more passion towards living a more natural lifestyle, and to work towards preserving what we can of God’s beautiful, but severely damaged, creation. I feel that someday, I will do something meaningful and important with my life. I will do something that I and my family will be proud of. I don’t know exactly what or when it will be. But, the hawk coming to visit? I felt his message loud and clear. “You’re on the right track. Keep moving forward, even when you fail. Seek your own truth and live it. Now is the time.”

When I first decided to write this, I looked again online for more information on the meaning of a hawk’s visit. I could hear my hawk and his family shrieking in the trees through my window, as I sat at the computer desk. “Pay attention! Focus!” I found a few more writings online that inspired me, especially this, by Ina Woolcott:

“The destiny of man is to awaken from their spiritual amnesia and to realign with the original intention of their soul. When the hawk gets a hold of us in his powerful talons, we will be asked to evaluate who we have become and to shatter our self-created illusions. This will help our inner truth to come out into the open and for it to shine.”

When I was finished with the computer, I went out to my backyard to write, pencil on paper. As I opened the back door, I saw him again, this time on the roof of our dilapidated old shed. He shrieked at me. “I’m still here. Keep paying attention.” He watched me as I slowly and quietly closed the door behind me and walked to my lounge chair. I watched him and he watched me. Several minutes later, he puffed his feathers and flew away.

Right now, I feel at peace. I am thankful that my ears and my heart were open to hear and feel the message. I am feeling hopeful and excited about my life. I had let anxieties, fears and negativity lead my life for far too long, and I know that I will have setbacks and rough times. But, I plan to stay positive, to focus, to keep my eyes, ears and heart open, to seek my own truth, and to share a bit of my soul with the world.